lurath: teephs (weasel will)
And I dream of Andrew kissing me. NOT HELPFUL stupidstupidbrain. Though I am curious why it's always Andrew who is kissing me, while I always see Brian as an animal in dreams (he's a mule deer!).

Luckily that dream made me wake up (feeling all disjointed, as such dreams usually do), and when I fell back asleep I ran with a pack of spotted hyenas. We stalked a lion. Stole her kill. Crunched some bones. And then took down a water buffalo after chasing it for miles and miles. The smells were intense. All my senses were so much better than my puny human meat senses. I clamped my jaws on the buffalo's nose and it shook me, trying to gore me, but I didn't let go. I could feel it's hot grassy breath shuddering out between my teeth.

I'm tired now and somewhat sleep deprived (recovering from being sick the past couple days), but I feel mentally more sane now. A hyena was exactly what I needed even though I didn't know it at the time. Intelligence, endurance, putting everything in its right place. By force if necessary.

I also decided I'm not going to pay those medical bills. THEY were the ones that fucked up. I did everything I could have done at the time to make sure things were going smoothly. But they fucked it up.

Bar exam study continues. I'm working from about 7am to 9:30pm STRAIGHT, with only breaks for meals and occasionally showering. I'm going to try and make room for exercise too once I stop feeling sick.
lurath: teephs (Default)
Why does he tell me these things? Why?

Charlie is coming down-- I think we sorted out the problems. Except we haven't because I can't tell him everything. Dammit. I WANT TO TELL SOMEONE WHO IS INVOLVED IN THIS WHOLE MESS HOW I FEEL.

It's eating me. Starting at the heart.

I want out. I want out so bad.

Does this make me weak? All my close friends who know about my past always say I'm one of the strongest people they know. You know what? I'm tired of being strong. I want to break down and cry and be held by someone who cares. I secretly want that person to be Andrew. Not because I want to change how he feels but because out of everyone he is the person that makes me happiest and despite everything who I really feel can heal all the past and future wounds. Like he said-- he's just an average Joe. An average Joe that I'm in love with when I shouldn't be.

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain and
A guitar and a stereo

While he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped

We are
We are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are
We are (x 2)

Oh, Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she'd never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped


One day
You'll have to let it go
You'll have to let it
One day
You'll stand up on your own
You'll stand up on your own...yeah

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped


(Intertwined 2nd chorus and next verse)

One day
You'll have to let it go
You'll have to let it
One day
You'll stand up on your own
You'll stand up on your own...yeah

We are
We are all innocent

--> Our Lady Peace lyrics again. They have been singing the song of my soul lately.

Life sucks.
lurath: teephs (house)
Eclipse! Eclipse! Eclipse!

The moon is turning red right now as our shadow blocks its reflection.

I’m feeling a little less sick today, but still not near 100%.

I walked Paul to his next class after ours ended and then spotted Andrew and walked HIM to class. I know it sounds lame, but I miss him when I don’t see him for a while. He’s entertaining.

I went to my uncle David’s office today to get my knee and back adjusted. He recommended no riding until I have all my balance back and it doesn’t hurt to put pressure on the inside of my leg. I hope it heals fast!

I have tons of studying to do so I’m going to get back to it. Hopefully tomorrow John will be able to fix my car’s headlight.

Warren’s party is Friday night. I’m going to be so freaking tired. Oh well!
lurath: teephs (Default)
Superman's Dead
Do you worry that you're not liked
How long till you break
You're happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy an ordinary name
But ordinary's just not good enough today

Alone I'm thinking
Why is superman dead
Is it in my head
We'll just laugh instead

You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate
Are you worried about your faith
Kneel down and obey
You're happy you're in love
You need someone to hate
An ordinary girl an ordinary waist
But ordinary's just not good enough today

Alone I'm thinking
Why is superman dead
Is it in my head
We'll just laugh instead

Doesn't anybody ever know that the world's a subway


Lately I can't breathe
Waiting they're chasing me
No one listens but I'm OK with it (don't touch me)

Only I wonder why
If only my hands weren't tied
The world's a blister
But I'm OK with it (don't trust me)

What if I was there
What if I was scared
I'm waiting for...
They're at my door
But I'll be back again

Lonely, I'm wandering
Patrolling for enemies
No one listens but I'm ok with it

What if I was there
What if I was scared (don't trust me)
I'm waiting for...
They're at my door
But I'll be back again

Wonder why I don't know
You shout at me
Let me go!
You wonder why I don't know
You shout at me

By Our Lady Peace

Fuck. FUCK. Fuck.
lurath: teephs (Default)
Andrew dropped by my wallet while Dawn and I were watching "Desperate Housewives". People that cute shouldn't exist.

Funny --->
lurath: teephs (Smile)
Flogging Molly kicks royal ass.

I was having so much fun at the concert—I braved the mosh pit and was jamming hardcore. The music filled me up and I was filled with its crazed tempo so that I writhed in ecstasy.

Then I had a bit of bad luck—I was shoved down or something similar and I fell on my leg funny. In fact, it bent in a direction that I wasn’t quite used to and I was filled with a searing all consuming pain as I felt something pop. Luckily Mike was nearby and he dragged me up and got me out of there.

Tessa, who is a lifeguard, came out and checked my knee, which didn’t appear to be broken but was giving me the worst pain I had experienced in my entire life.

So, after a run in with a drunk MC and a whole lot of icing and continued pain, Brad and Tessa practically carried me to Brad’s truck and Brad drove me to the hospital where I got X-rays and was sent home.

Andrew was off in his own world most of the time, but I can understand that. I go off into space sometimes too but I have to admit it disappointed me. At any rate, I owe Mike, Brad, Andrew and Tessa something nice for helping me out.

It sucked because I didn’t get to see Flogging Molly finish.

I loved it though, while it lasted.

Nothings broken but I’m going to be on crutches for a while. Damn my bad luck.

I am buying a FM CD for sure. They are artists that deserve to be supported.

I'm not working this weekend because of the injury and Andrew still has all my stuff.
lurath: teephs (Default)
I really hurt my back yesterday, but I rode in my lesson today anyways. Besides the hurting back, everything went rather well in the lesson. I rode Jules again. Otherwise today was full of mind numbing boredom interspaced with panic. At least I finished my first essay and now I can go to bed. I have this serious urge to talk to Andrew. I keep having dreams about him—some of them very annoying to wake up to.

Love sucks.

I am so burnt out and tired of school that it’s not even funny. I called Andrew yesterday and complained about lots of stuff that was irking me for nearly an hour. It was nice to get it out. Free the trapped animal.

Dawn and I have been hanging out a lot. She’s becoming a close friend. It’s nice.

Oh, and the horse show? Lets just say it was very windy. Andrew saved me by bringing me a snack and I got to meet his parents. Something like bringing food would have never occurred to Charlie. At any rate, I was ring steward for most of the day and the wind wore off a layer of my facial skin and filled every crack in my exposed body with dirt. It wasn’t exactly the most enjoyable thing I have ever done.

Devon is coming down for Thanksgiving. W00T!

So. That’s me.

/signing off.

He's 20!

Oct. 8th, 2004 10:03 am
lurath: teephs (Default)
Well, I have the equivalent of the three-day weekend because my class today was canceled. I’m not going to be able to do much relaxing however because of this weekend is both the IDA and ISHA shows. Saturday I can sleep in the my hearts content because I don’t really have to be there all day for ISHA, but on Sunday I’m getting up at least 6:00 and I don’t doubt that I’m going to be at the EQC all day. I signed up to be ring steward for a good part of the day so I should be having some fun—ring steward is by far the best job in the whole show.

Today I’m giving Andrew his birthday present (his birthday is tomorrow the 9th) by taking him to the EQC and teaching him to ride. I’m going to have to be sneaky because I’m technically not supposed to be doing more than giving him a trail ride, but hopefully Holly won’t be around much and I can get away with it.

I rode Rain last night with John on his new favorite—the chestnut Mustang that came from Bar 717. I went bareback on Rain again as she is so much fun to just hack around. We walked around the polo field and I even jumped some tiny cross rails with her. Jumping bareback is somehow much more fun. Maybe I’m just crazy and I’m sure it’s much more difficult if the jumps are set larger. At any rate, my thigh muscles are complaining today because of all the trotting/posting bareback.

I’m tired of school already. It’s sad—where did all the passion and excitement go?

Riding Rain is more cathartic than I could have ever hoped. In fact, sometimes I think if it weren’t for the horses I would just lock myself in my room some days. They need to be cared for though—ridden and loved, and I can’t shortsight them just because I’m feeling lame.


Aug. 29th, 2004 11:37 pm
lurath: teephs (Default)
Andrew just came with me to get some food. We walked around a bit, and finding nothing open I settled for Taco Bell.

I wanted to touch him so bad. He's hotter than I remembered.

But now I'm happy again. He's so nice. And funny.

Time to pack! I move on Tuesday.


lurath: teephs (Default)

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